TJ on MySpace

[XrayVixen]

Well Sweetie, if there's ever anything you want posted over there, I am sure that any of us 'old folks' would be willing to act as an emissary (including me) and post it for you. I am "TROUBLE" or XrayVixn on Myspace if you ever feel so inclined
LOL~ I feel like I'm contributing to the "delinquency" of a minor!

[bonesaddict11]

Aw thanks, that's so nice of you!! I'll keep that in mind just in case.

[sofilps]

Another update on TJ's MySpace blog YAY!

"Tan Hat on Man

To travel is to live.

Foreign lands spoken about in unknown tongues.
Culture, other cultures.

My favorite country to visit: New York City.

Yes, I do believe that new york is its own country, its own universe, its own galaxy with its own delicious set of rules and awe-inpiring fantastical creatures that inhabit its lands.

The last true melting pot of/in our time.

Ah, New York!

Spending the day on Friday on these city streets, workin as an actor, was the greatest of all greatest birthday gifts!

Thanks NY, for the inspiration and opportunity these last many weeks. THanks for all the wonderful individuals I sponged up.
Thanks to all who wrote and called to wish me a Happy. You made me smile, wide.

Off to Texas for a bit, then LA, then back to NY, then LA for a chunk.

see ya'll when I see ya long the way.

TJ"

Seems like the man is traveling all along the country. God, I'd love to travel like him...*sighs* aaanyway sounds like he had an awesome birthday so that's good

[Sinkwriter72]

At last, a new message from TJ on MySpace.

So glad to see him emerge from the woodwork. Unfortunately, his post made me cry a bit.

(Shaddup, all of you. Tell me if you don't feel the same after you've read it.)

Poetic, TJ. Beautifully, painstakingly written.

On a side note, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to attend such a public event, while privately feeling like this. You are a strong person.

I was just saying to late_heart (Anniebean on myspace) that -- as much as I wish I could help in some way -- wretched time's the only thing to heal such an ache.

I can only hope for you that time hurries the hell up.

Keep breathing, friend.
xo

~ Sherry
aka Sinkwriter72



***********
One I wrote a while ago... for her

A tie and a dress
by TJ Thyne

This sucks.
Thought the tie,
As it looked at itself in the mirror
Needing to leave and so not wanting to go.

It had tied itself up nicely,
It looked good.
But it was hurting.

A knock at the door.
The limo.
"5 minutes."

Two of those depleting minutes were spent staring, simply staring,
Right smack into that mirror.
The next 1.4 were used feebly attempting to building up courage.
"you can do it." "just go" "you have to get out". "it's a mandatory event".
.6 of the next minute seemed to be listening.
But the remaining digit, the single one left of the few five, was spent in misery. Fear. Sadness.
Familiar, these days.

Cars waiting.

Car arrives.
Event is packed.
Packed.
Packed.

Dark maroon carpets spread.
Sharp fast flashes of light proceed.
Deep breath.
Tie leaves the car.
Tie enters the rug.
Gets through quickly.
And into the bar.

A suit: "hey tie".
Hi.
'nother suit "blah blah blah".
And then a jacket "well if it isn't…"
And more
And more and more,
until,

Across the rug and through the many suits
Penetrated by the flashing lights
Gliding off the carpet and entering the room,
was she.

She was dress.

And she was beautiful.

And tie, hurt.

There was no memo,
There was no text,
There was no phone call,
There was no plan,
But tie,
And dress,
matched.

They looked good together.
Damn.
So so good together.

Hello.
Hi.
How are you doing?
Good (not good), I'm doing well (not well.)
That's good to hear said dress,
Most likely meaning it, but tie wasn't sure.
Tie no longer knew how, what to believe.
You look gorgeous, said tie.
Thank you smiled dress, but not in a that-touches-me-to-hear-you-say-that
Kind of way like he meant it to sound, more of a I'm-at-a-party-and-that's-how-a-dress-
Such-as-me-will-spend-the-night-responding-to-that-same-statement-from-many-suits-and jackets-and-even-other-dresses.
Now what.

We match, smiled dress.
She noticed, thought tie with a smile.
But dress just noticed.
She was preoccupied.
How could she not be,
The room was filled with conversation just waiting to happen to her.

Every part of this small chat between the matching two,
pointed in the direction that in a mere moment
she would walk away,
But tie didn't want her to go. But had no reason,
No reason at all to keep her there.
So he small talked.
And she nodded and smiled at him.
And he hurt more.
And he small talked more,
And she looked away more,
And
And
And
She reached out,
And touched tie,
Ever so slightly,
Ever so gently,
And nodded with kind eyes,
Good to see you tie. She said and continued,
I'll see you in a minute or so, The night is young.
Knowing full well the night was young for her, but not for them.
And not waiting for a response,
Cause she really didn't need a response,
Dress, floated away from tie.
And tie…and tie…and tie…
…wanted to weep.

But we match
Without planning it
Thought tie,
shouldn't that mean something? Anything?

But to her,
To her,
To her,
It didn't.
And tie really wanted to weep,
Cause he knew,
He knew,
He knew,
That even through all the many months of love,
And the many months of hate,
That those two feelings were made of the same flesh,
And that now, he loved, and hated so much.
But that she,
She,
She,
Felt the true opposite of love for him,
Indifference.

And tie stood.

So sad,
feeling the painful weight in his heart,
of being nothing to her.

He stood,
Watching dress
So beautiful,
Just as jeans came up to her.
And tie, knowing jeans would eventually arrive,
Stopped breathing just for a second.
She was so happy to see jeans.
As happy as she use to be, thought tie, seeing him.
He so wished, hoped, wanted her to look at him right now
The way she was looking at jeans and grabbing at jeans and holding jeans hand
And folding her dress close to him.
A pair of denim, smothered in the soft silky flow of dress.

So tie waded,
Through the blue suits and the black suits
And the grey suits and even the shouldn't-have-been-there-white suit,
And he hit elbows and apologized soullessly with the maroon jacket,
And nodded hello to the pinstripe blazer, and stood and held a four minute
Conversation with suspenders and tux which he couldn't remember a single word of when he took three steps away from their pow-wow.

And eventually, through the flashing light and the carpet to the car, once again.

A purple tie.
Leaving a party, where somewhere, floating gorgeously inside,
With a pair of jeans on her arm, was a purple dress that tie
Was so madly in love with.

Where to?
Home. Said tie.
Fuck it all.
Take me home.

And there,
In the backseat of the rolling black car,
Tie, silently wept over dress
For far from the last time.

***********

[Sinkwriter72]

Apologies to TJ for the formatting of his poem. I couldn't get some of the spacing exactly the way he did it on MySpace, and regrettably did not have time to futz with it or look up the proper HTML coding for it this afternoon.

For the full impact of what he wrote, check it out here, on his MySpace site.

[IntempestaNox]

Man...do I feel like a bit of a dolt for PM'ing him this evening, especially if he feels this down. Thanks so much for the update Sherry. Hopefully the words of good cheer from folks here and there will raise his spirits.

His posts from earlier this year were so sweet. The Valentines one was so thoughtful (and positive!), and I was surprised by his candidness when he was sick. He's quite the honeydripper (translation - very romantic), even when he's not feeling his best. I feel like we should send him a big fluffy blanket and his favorite ice cream. *pained smile*

[TJ4ever]

Wow, that was really amazing!

[ThyneAlone]

I feel like we should send him a big fluffy blanket and his favorite ice cream.

He knows we care.

[begolden]

I think the most amazing thing about T.J.'s poem is that by posting it, he shows a willingness to share his most intimate feelings with his friends and fans. It's a reminder of why I find the man so endearing and why I want to cheer him on in all his endeavors, both personal and public.

[Sinkwriter72]

I think the most amazing thing about T.J.'s poem is that by posting it, he shows a willingness to share his most intimate feelings with his friends and fans...

It's probably one of the most difficult things to do. At least, to me it is. I tend to express myself, and then -- on occasion -- cringe in the light of the new day. Why oh why did I have to be that blatantly and boldly honest? People must think I'm such a fool/idiot/ass/whatever.

But no matter how shy or embarrassed I may feel after the fact, there's also a layer of defiant pride, that I was willing to say what I felt. That I tried to get to the heart of what I was feeling and sort it out. That I spoke my mind, other people's opinions be damned. This is me, for better or for worse. I can't take it back. I won't take it back.

I admire TJ for sharing so bravely with us. I admire him for being so honest. These days, it seems a rare quality. I certainly appreciate it.

[IntempestaNox]

Steph - I figured he knows we care. Just hoping the good vibes he gets from everyone who does care helps in some way. The fluffy blanket and frozen treat is more of a virtual hug to him than literal.

Sherry - Good for you posting your thoughts and feelings without second thoughts or attempts at censoring yourself. There are times that I do that (to conceal others identities), but if my feelings are empassioned in a given situation, hiding the truth seems dishonest (to myself).

[ThyneAlone]

This is a difficult one for me. The fact is that on the occasions when I have expressed on paper, and quite eloquently, what I really, truly feel on a subject, it has caused pain to me and others. Another person feels persecuted, or uncomfortable, or angry. My intensity is viewed as inappropriate or I have misread someone. I do wish sometimes that I could take it back - it's almost never criticism btw, just strong feelings and opinions - because my relationships change irrefutably every time I do it. And I do feel the loss of valued friends. So I've sort of acquired the habit of telling as much of the truth about me as I feel is politic at the time. But the outpourings still come from time to time, regardless of the mess they can leave behind them.

TJ is expressing his personal feelings, but the people to whom he is expressing them on MySpace are a proven totally sympathetic and disinterested audience; it's a genre of catharsis. I wonder if he would show it to anyone more 'involved' in the situation.

[Sinkwriter72]

Sherry - Good for you posting your thoughts and feelings without second thoughts or attempts at censoring yourself.

Oh, I wouldn't say I don't have second thoughts. I definitely have that. Every time. But usually when I've expressed myself, it's been as carefully thought out and worded as I possibly can, and like you, it's felt necessary (and in fact, inauthentic to speak otherwise). Sure, there's emotion throughout what I write, that's who I am, but it's not necessarily directed toward other people; it's about frustrations with myself.

I try very hard not to write about people in my life, not online. Not unless it's positive. Otherwise, I try to be very, very general. Like Steph mentioned, it can be damaging to relationships if you aren't careful.

TJ is expressing his personal feelings, but the people to whom he is expressing them on MySpace are a proven totally sympathetic and disinterested audience; it's a genre of catharsis. I wonder if he would show it to anyone more 'involved' in the situation.

I wouldn't say we're a disinterested audience. If anything, the responses to his blogs seem to prove otherwise. Sympathetic? For sure. Faceless individuals out in the ether that he doesn't know or have to see in the flesh the next day? Definitely.

And perhaps that is, as late_heart said on TJ's myspace page, part of what we all search for: "Is that what we seek together? To feel comfort in our ruin, safe among the fallen chapel stones?" There's a shared experience to be found, in talking with (or merely expressing to) people who seem to relate to what we're going through. Perhaps not on exactly the same level, but in our own ways. As I mentioned to her, maybe that's what we need. Until we are ready to heal on our own.

Same with TJ. If that's what he needs, if that's what gives him stages of catharsis, good for him for finding a way to express himself.

As for showing anyone more 'involved' in the situation, I would suppose it depends on who the person is and how well he trusts him or her. That's how I assess whom I share my writings with. Sometimes you get burned. Or you get apathy and misunderstanding. Sometimes, however, you get the response you need, be it encouragement, comfort, or simple acknowledgement and understanding of what you're going through.

[ThyneAlone]

I try very hard not to write about people in my life, not online.

TJ is expressing his personal feelings, but the people to whom he is expressing them on MySpace are a proven totally sympathetic and disinterested audience; it's a genre of catharsis. I wonder if he would show it to anyone more 'involved' in the situation.

I wouldn't say we're a disinterested audience. If anything, the responses to his blogs seem to prove otherwise. Sympathetic? For sure. Faceless individuals out in the ether that he doesn't know or have to see in the flesh the next day? Definitely.

I don't mean that we are neutral, or even 'objective'. We are a disinterested audience in the sense that we are not involved in the actual, specific events that sparked this particular and moving level of creativity. Of course we have all had similar experiences and can respond to the universal in what he says.

As to writing about people online. Never never. I barely reveal my own deepest feelings to anyone in my immediate life! I've been known to write a diary, but completely disprove that old truism that people who write diaries hope for someone to read them one day. They upset me to read back, never mind anyone else mentioned in them.

Apart from the time issue, it's one of the reasons I couldn't write a blog...

[Sinkwriter72]

I don't mean that we are neutral, or even 'objective'. We are a disinterested audience in the sense that we are not involved in the actual, specific events that sparked this particular and moving level of creativity. Of course we have all had similar experiences and can respond to the universal in what he says.

Ah yes, that's true. I'm sorry -- I misunderstood. I think it was that word 'disinterested.' To me that says the person doesn't care, that they're not particularly interested. Whereas here I think we're all visiting this site because we are interested. We hope to gain even a sliver of understanding about this talented person whose work we enjoy so much.

But of course you're right; we have no true perspective because we are not there, we are not involved. Therefore, beyond our own experiences, we can't truly know the depth of what's going on because we don't even know the people involved, not truly, not personally.

As to writing about people online. Never never. I barely reveal my own deepest feelings to anyone in my immediate life! I've been known to write a diary, but completely disprove that old truism that people who write diaries hope for someone to read them one day. They upset me to read back, never mind anyone else mentioned in them.

I haven't had the time or inclination to re-read anything I've written in a long time. However, I do like to read some of what I've written in journals, especially the worst stuff, because it's a huge reminder to me of exactly how far I've come. When I forget and get hard on myself and feel like I am nowhere, I can look back at something I wrote ten years ago that was particularly dark or frustrated or agonizing and see clearly that I am not in that place anymore and haven't been for a good long time. Also, I am a bit of an analyzer (I know, you find that hard to believe, right?) so I can look back and start to see patterns of behavior and -- one hopes -- begin to find ways to change and learn and improve.

[ThyneAlone]

I'll tell you what I do find it useful for. Recognising patterns of behaviour which are destructive. Sometimes I smile at my adolescent self - as you say, we've come a long way - but, more often, I can see a repeated behaviour and handle it more effectively, even if I haven't been able to discard it. I deal with that through poetry too - just a slight self-mockery in some of it.

PS I think 'disinterested' is a much-maligned word, it's easy to get muddled with 'uninterested'. I believe that in the past it was more commonly used in financial contexts, eg when someone had performed an act of disinterested charity it was one of sheer unselfish philanthropy from which the originator could not benefit (no personal self-interest). Obviously when taken out of the context of giving it comes to mean that the individual is able to see things without personal involvement.

[Sinkwriter72]

Fascinating, Steph. Leave it to the woman who knows her languages! I wouldn't have known that about such a word, but now I have another context for it.

As for the journals, I don't read mine very often, but every once in a while I get contemplative and turn to them for a reminder (or a lesson). There's plenty to cringe at, when reading my former entries, but there's also plenty of smiling moments that I forget and consequently am glad to be reminded. Those passages warm me when I'm feeling blue.

I admire you for dealing with things through poetry. I like to write, but I am not a good poet. I love reading it, but don't 'hear' my own writings in verse. I generally stick to writing prose. You, however, have an enormous talent for poetry. The piece you shared with me sticks with me to this day, I was so moved.

[IntempestaNox]

Wow..this lead to a good discussion here. I like it! In terms of writing, I too tend to keep others out of the limelight in my blogs, though if I do refer to someone it's in a positive light and with different names or somesuch. Now if it's a public figure, depending on the person and the circumstances I might not omit their name. I figure if they can handle the media, they can handle little old me.

Yah know, I used to have a diary when I was a kid, and I rarely wrote in it. I don't know exactly why...perhaps I felt I wouldn't want to read it later. Years later, I regret not filling in those pages with the good, bad and ugly, as it likely would help me understand myself then and now. And it might have done more to shape opinions of myself and the world around me.

I started blogging five or so years ago, and once in a while I go back and read a few posts. They make me laugh with their honesty and humor, tear up remembering a painful moment (including occasional stupidity), or raise a fist in support of the rants I decided to (ever so eloquently) put out there to be read. I guess for me at this point in time, blogging is cathartic, it helps me formulate my thoughts into something I could eventually say to someone in person (if needed), and it helps connect to others, even if only for a moment. I couldn't say that's what TJ is doing, but I appreciate that he does have an outlet he feels comfortable expressing himself in. And I'm glad he's allowed us to respond (on Myspace, you can take away that function on posts).

Steph and Sherry - I too was a bit perplexed with the word 'disinterested' until I read over its definition to make sure it wasn't what I was thinking of. I see the word as meaning 'neutral', which I agree in some cases (with TJ's post) folks were exactly that, even congratulating him on the cool poem, or something similar. He does deserve kudos for posting, but shoot, even if I didn't know him from my neighbor two buildings over, I'd take one look at his posts and be able to figure out a little about who he is from the neck up. My thoughts on this last bit isn't meant as a slight at anyone, as we all react differently to what we encounter. Take it with a grain or two of salt.

Now that I think about it...were yah thinking "physically disengaged"? Sorry...if a quandry gets stuck in my head (usually a question on a movie or song) I have to solve it. That or I ask others so they can end up just as befuddled at the lack of an answer as I.

[ThyneAlone]

My thoughts on this last bit isn't meant as a slight at anyone, as we all react differently to what we encounter. Take it with a grain or two of salt.

Say what? Slight? Assuredly not. Although I know what you mean; I have had at least three bad experiences when, lacking tone of voice and facial expression, I posted/emailed something that was misinterpreted as a put-down (ooh, yet another reason not to blog, blahblahetc...) and caused true havoc in close and valued relationships. I absolutely see what you mean. Difficult, as I think it depends what you intend by 'neutral'!

Now that I think about it...were yah thinking "physically disengaged"? Sorry...if a quandary gets stuck in my head (usually a question on a movie or song) I have to solve it. That or I ask others so they can end up just as befuddled at the lack of an answer as I.

*considering befuddledly* Nooooooo, I don't think I did mean that. Disengaged is right, but not physically. Disengaged mentally perhaps, cos while we can all sympathise, even empathise, obviously get into that other person's mind and personality, we still cannot feel that original hurt. It didn't happen to us. The emotion is there, and genuine, but secondhand.
Just realised this isn't an offtopic thread. Oops I guess it's still loosely related to TJ's blog. Maybe I should start an offtopic thread for philosophical and semantic discussions!

[Sinkwriter72]

*considering befuddledly* Nooooooo, I don't think I did mean that. Disengaged is right, but not physically. Disengaged mentally perhaps, cos while we can all sympathise, even empathise, obviously get into that other person's mind and personality, we still cannot feel that original hurt. It didn't happen to us. The emotion is there, and genuine, but secondhand.

I wonder if Jen means that we aren't there physically, as in we aren't actually friends of TJ's. We don't live near him, we aren't actual buddies, we don't spend physical time with him (get your mind out of the gutter I mean physical proximity as in hanging out, as friends do); therefore, we aren't privvy to his real thoughts and emotions and expressions of such things. We can read what he's written, we can relate based on our own experiences, but we can't know the depth of that expression because we don't actually know him.

Just realised this isn't an offtopic thread. Oops I guess it's still loosely related to TJ's blog. Maybe I should start an offtopic thread for philosophical and semantic discussions!

Today I'm once again marveling at his ability to express himself in this manner, and post it for all to read. That's an extraordinarily vulnerable position to put oneself in, especially when you're already feeling vulnerable or emotional about the chosen subject.

This morning I had a strange and vivid dream, and I just wrote up an account of it for my private (handwritten) journal. It was bizarre yet seemed to somehow illuminate what my brain is trying to sort through at this time in my life. The heart of the emotional struggle I'm having about my life.

For a moment, I contemplated posting it to my LiveJournal and/or MySpace blogs, to share a bit of myself, perhaps find someone who relates, maybe even in doing so find some extra perspective on what I'm going through so that I may work it all out.

But I paused... because it's so difficult to share something so personal. It's just a cheesy dream, but at the same time, it's also my headspace, you know? I wasn't sure I was willing to expose myself (and the wacky inner workings of my brain) to just anybody. Those of you whom I've befriended, sure, but to all the strangers out there in the ether? Those who haven't earned my trust? Those who haven't shared something equally delicate and individual? I wasn't sure. So I paused, and waited.

I don't know if I'm being careful and therefore protecting myself wisely, or if I'm merely afraid. Not of offending others, but of opening up and sharing of myself, of being vulnerable and subject to others' thoughts, opinions, and judgments.

It's an incredibly tough choice. Frankly, I'm amazed at TJ's willingness to do so. I myself post such a thing, and then pause, worrying if I'll regret it in the light of day.